I’ve never hidden my love for Dolly Parton. There’s something about the woman I really like, and plenty I don’t like but that’s another post!
There’s a short interview with her in the latest Radio Times (23-29th July 2011, p114-115) and two quotes in particular stood out for me:
“Sometimes you get too over-religious you can’t draw people to God. People get put off by that. Nobody wants you to preach a sermon to them night and day. So, you can do more good by just representing something good“
And, after being asked about sex;
“It doesn’t matter. I’m just saying that I’m a big flirt and a big tease but I’m not intimidated going into a room to do business with men. Nor do I feel less than a man.”
Amen Dolly! Enough said!
PS. This post is dedicated to my buddy @calzer. Ha!
Recently I’ve been thinking long and hard about whether doing my degree was ‘worth it’. Still being in temporary employment almost a year later doesn’t bode well when trying to justify the benefits of a theology degree. Look behind the degree however and it all makes sense…
I worked in a travel agency, a job I thought I loved, from the moment I left school in 1999. B came along in 2003 and although I went back to work when she was 7 months old (for 24 hours a week), the job had lost its appeal. For whatever reason, being in an office for 6 hours a day wasn’t what I wanted anymore. I was bored. One day my old maths teacher from school came in to book a flight. We got chatting and, long story short, he convinced me that there was more out there for me if I was willing to take chances. With very little support from those around me I decided I was going back to college. I was going to get the degree that I thought I’d missed out on when I’d chosen work (and money!) over college aged 16.
After completing an Access (back to learning for adults) course, I was accepted into the 3 universities I applied to. The plan was to get a psychology degree and embark on a career in counselling children and young people. I started my psychology degree at Winchester in September 2007 but something wasn’t right. Something in me knew that I wouldn’t enjoy psychology but I couldn’t ‘say anything’ because that would just prove those who doubted me to be correct! In October I went on a ‘Design for Life’ weekend (run by the Salvation Army - ask me to explain for details, its amazing!) and came back from that weekend absolutely convinced that psychology was not for me. I carried on, unhappily, in psychology for half a semester with a constant nagging that Theology and Religious Studies was the way forward. I spoke to my tutor in the psychology department who was very negative and pressured me to stick it out. A ‘chance’ meeting with the woman who was head of department for TRS at the time changed my entire path. We chatted over coffee and she was more than happy to sign the required forms and support me to transfer at the end of the 1st semester… and there began the most life-altering 3 years of my life so far!
Without wanting to blow my own trumpet too much, I did very well academically. University gave me the opportunity to read and write about concepts and ideas I’d never considered before, but concepts that were relevant to my own life. I liked being challenged, I liked having to really think, and, I’m not going to lie, I liked being told that the work I was producing was of good quality. In short, being at uni gave me a renewed zest for life and knowledge. It wasn’t just the academia though. You could have taken away the course work and I’d still say uni was more than worth it. Why? Because it held a mirror in front of me and forced me to look, look deeply for the first time, at what was reflected back at me.
I met individuals at university who literally changed the way I saw myself. I was no longer a waste of space single parent, carrying so much baggage that I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I found myself around people who were interested in what I had to say, what I thought about things. I met one woman in particular who, after being confronted with me in a hysterical, snotty mess (sorry!) one day, showed me that it was OK to feel the way I did, to think the way I did, to change the things I wanted to change. For perhaps the first time I felt that it was more than OK to just be ‘me’.
I don’t have a firm job for life right now but I am taking work as and when it comes up. I’m not bumming around (as I have been accused of recently). I am living my life in the best way I know how for both B and I. I’m a postgraduate research student, because ‘doing theology’ is what makes me tick. It makes me happy and if I’m happy, then B is happy. So yes, my degree was worth it. It still is worth it, a million times over. I’m glad I stuck it out because if I’d walked away when things got difficult, I wouldn’t be half the person I am today.
*Disclaimer* This isn’t a clear, academically balanced post. It’s essentially a rant. I make no apologies for that.
Today I’ve been involved in a couple of somewhat worrying conversations on Facebook regarding homosexuality and the church. I’m feeling disheartened and angry, but more than that I feel sad. Sad that homophobic attitudes are still thrown about in the open as if they are entirely acceptable/the norm.
I am a strong believer in everyone being allowed to not only hold their own opinion, but to have the freedom to express that opinion. What worries me is that opinions which could have a profound personal impact on someone else can be “justified”, and I use that word very loosely, by a fundamentalist reading of Christian scripture. A few snippets from today (Some paraphrased because of text speak etc in the initial comment):
God doesn’t hate their (homosexuals) lives, he just doesn’t like what they do, just like anyone committing any sin. A man should not lie with a man. All sin is the same.
If you do think it is OK to be gay then you are going against the Bible and God’s word.
People decide to be homosexual by turning to sin. They exercise their right to choose. We are not born sinful, we choose.
If Christianity has been wrong (on homosexuality) all these centuries then choose another religion. Why should orthodox Christianity change?
And my personal ‘favourite’:
There will be people in most congregations who have homo orientations and they are to be admired if they do not practice because of guilt or Christian principles.
I tried to challenge and engage these commenters in a mature and balanced fashion because I don’t agree with any of them but it was like nailing jelly to a tree. Some people hold such deep-rooted opinions that any challenge is just met with “But God will judge you eventually. The end.” To these people I say this; I sincerely hope that the God you claim to serve judges you in exactly the same fashion because your behaviour towards your fellow human beings is also, in my opinion, deeply sinful.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been moved to tears by these conversations today. I’m not gay but I’m immensely proud of the people in my life who openly are. I’d not really realised fully until today just what a battle they are facing from some sectors of the community. I’m happy that my child is growing up with same-sex relationships in her everyday life. I try to let her form her own opinions and initially she may not have understood. Now she ‘gets’ that x and y love each other and that’s what matters. We’re living in the year 2011 for goodness sake. If I’m going to shield her from ‘gays’ then I might as well look into shielding her from ‘muslims’, or ‘black people’, or ‘blind people’. Difference is beautiful and in my household we embrace that.
(In the interests of balance, I should probably point out that there were a number of Christians in the conversation who were “defending” the right to be a happy, homosexual, Christian! Not all Christians are homophobic!)
Last night I watched the second programme in the BBC1 series ‘Inside the Human Body’. This week it looked at how the body keeps itself alive, from the first breath to the last. The last section of the programme followed an elderly man, and the changes his body made in the days leading up to his death, particularly how the function of his heart changed. The programme showed the moment the man died and afterwards, shots of his grieving family.
It was hard viewing. Very hard. 74 nights previously my Grandma died with similar, and yet undiagnosed, heart problems.
I miss her every day. I have photographs of her and my daughter on top of my TV. A picture of her smiling whilst eating an ice-cream last summer is currently my phone background. Sometimes it’s as if she hasn’t really gone anywhere. Until I see my Grandad without her. It’s horrible. In my 28 years I don’t think I ever saw them apart other than the day we took her to the zoo last summer, but that’s another story! I’ve avoided a couple of family gatherings recently because I just hate her not being there. I find having dinner at my Mum’s when Grandad is there really hard. I’m scared to ‘feel’ too much. I get uncomfortable with the amount of ‘stuff’ my Grandad is getting rid of/giving to other people. I know she’s not coming back to it but Grandma loved that ‘stuff’.
I found the day of her funeral surprisingly OK. All her Grandchildren stuck together and, for want of a far more appropriate phrase, ‘had a laugh’. I didn’t cry that day. I couldn’t. I made tea and coffee, and I chatted to distant relatives, but I didn’t ‘feel’ anything. Not really.
My Grandma wasn’t ‘religious’ (whatever the heck that means) but she lived for Christmas. It was her favourite time of the year and she absolutely shone. In memory of this many of the men at the funeral wore garish, novelty Christmas ties! Her coffin was carried into the crematorium to Bing Crosby and ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas’, no flowers but a single Christmas wreath on the top. We didn’t sing any hymns, had just one song; ‘Silent Night’. Even with the drone of a terrible organist, it was beautiful. People cried, of course they did. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I got through the service without really ‘feeling’.
I know Grandma wouldn’t have wanted people to be sad. She would have hated seeing so many sombre people in her bungalow. It was a happy place to gather, to hold parties. I’ve not been back there since the day of her funeral. I hate that I’ve not been to visit my Grandad in his home, but I can’t. Not yet.
Behind the front, behind the ‘I’m coping just fine’, I am feeling. Feeling so much and it hurts. I’m getting on with life because life has to go on but there are unshed tears in my heart.
My sister, my bro, and my older cousins either have, or are just about to, embark on careers that Grandma would have been so proud of. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life but when I do I hope that she’s watching in some dimension and is able to see the impact she had on my life for 28.5 years.
So Grandma, this is for you. I don’t demonstrate it as openly as the others, but you’re in my heart. Forever. Sleep in heavenly peace xx
Yesterday I attended an interview day for the role of ‘Inclusion and Behaviour Support Worker’ at a Secondary school. I didn’t get the job in the end but it was an interesting day none the less. Apparently 67 people applied for the job and 9 of us were shortlisted so I didn’t do too badly!
We all did a morning of individual tasks and then 4 candidates were taken to the afternoon session involving the ‘proper’ interview with all of the school’s senior management team – I didn’t get to the final 4 but I did learn a lot and I’m definitely more confident to apply for similar roles now.
My first activity was an in-tray task – I had to organise 11 messages/memos/emails/tasks into priority order and state why I’d chosen that order, and what I would do to complete each task. This was the task I was most comfortable with and think I probably did it well, organisation is my thing! After that it went down hill. Rapidly!
Next I was told I was being taken to a ‘pupil scenario’ and I had to demonstrate what I’d do. Foolishly I thought I’d get a bit more information than that but no, nada, nothing – I entered the room and there the task began! I managed to establish that two pupils from the school (excellent actors!) had supposedly had an argument about a girlfriend during a lesson. I’ve had plenty of experience with difficult teenagers but I couldn’t think straight. Being observed was so off-putting and I ended up going round in circles. The ‘actors’ were fantastic to the extent that I thought one of them really was going to cry at one point! I managed to get them to shake hands and there the task ended but to be fair I knew that I hadn’t handled it very well.
I had to wait in the staff room for my next task because they were running behind and the candidate ahead of me hadn’t finished. In walked the headteacher… it turned out that she was my favourite teacher from secondary school who I absolutely adored and wanted to be when I was older! We had a nice chat and it was good to catch up with her. She said I made her feel old but she looked like she hadn’t aged in 15 years! For the record, she’s still lovely and I still want to be just like her when I grow up
I then had to go to my 3rd and final task – an interview with 3 pupils, eeek! After this interview I knew I’d not done very well, I completely fluffed up everything I said. The questions were pretty standard interview questions, and the children were really nice, but all the ‘rehearsed’ answers I had in my head vanished. Even the ‘Describe yourself in 3 words’ question proved difficult to articulate and I’d rehearsed that, with reasons, so many times!
After a tour of the school (which really pulled at that part of me that wanted to be a teacher when I was growing up!), lunch, and the opportunity to mingle with pupils and staff, we had to meet back in the staff room and wait for the verdict! It took nearly an hour but it felt like 5. Sitting with the other candidates was weird – we all wanted the job so badly but knew that ultimately only 1 would succeed. Small-talk was ‘interesting’ and as time went on my confidence levels dropped! A few of the others had way more experience and were really positive about their tasks. Anyway, when the head announced who had gone through (it was like the early stages of X-Factor when one group goes through and the other goes home!) I was hugely disappointed but not surprised.
It was a good experience, I met 2 people who I’m going to keep in contact with, and seeing the head again after so many years was, in a strange sort of way, really motivating. I know that eventually I definitely want to work in the education sector. In what role I’m not sure yet, only time will tell. Until I secure such a position, the general job hunt goes on…
About a month ago now I decided that my current role (general admin, conference planning, & marketing – 90% of the time working from home with random , non-regular hours) really wasn’t something I could continue with long-term. Working from home sounded like an ideal opportunity originally, and for a while it was great – I could fit in work around my daughter and anything else that happened to come up. I found that home working however requires an abnormal amount of self-motivation, and for me to be comfortable with not talking face-to-face with another person for the majority of the day. Some days this is fabulous but most of the time, not so much!
During my early search I had my head in the clouds to a certain extent and looked for a job requiring school-hours, term-time only so that I could avoid childcare, and somewhere that I could walk to! (Not that I’m averse to using childcare; I went back to work when my child was 7 months old and had a fabulous childminder who we are still friends with today. That’s a whole new post though!) Jobs which meet this requirement are pretty much limited to those in the education sector, and for a supporting as opposed to teaching role, are very few and far between. I had to look further afield, and so the search began.
I’m not fussy anymore, I want to be ‘out’ working and so have applied for a whole range of positions from an administrator in an accountancy to a general assistant in a supermarket. To date I have applied for 13 jobs, had 4 ‘Thanks but No Thanks’ replies, and offered 2 interviews (one today, one Wednesday). At the moment I’m staying positive and trying not to take rejection personally. For me the most difficult part of job hunting is having to have real confidence in what I know I’m capable of doing and being able to portray this sufficiently in any application, and then at interview.
The interview I’m due to attend later this week is for a position that I’d absolutely love to do, and one which deep down I know I could do. I’m far from confident about the interview day though – panel interviews, unseen tasks, presentation – it’s my worst nightmare! I’ve walked away from opportunities in the past because I just couldn’t face my fears. This time I’m determined to give my everything. If I don’t get the job I’ll be disappointed obviously but at the same time I’m hoping I’ll be able to walk away having done everything in my power and thus more confident for next time.
I hope that sometime soon I’ll secure a role which utilises the skills and knowledge I have, whilst also providing the opportunity for new experiences and personal development, but I’d be happy to accept a role which just needs me to turn up. I hope to find a role that allows me to be a parent above and beyond everything else, but I’d be happy to accept a role which perhaps requires my daughter to be in childcare for a few hours a week. I hope to secure a job that pays well and allows a few luxuries, but I’d be happy to work for the minimum wage and stay content with what I have.
I want to keep The BeanBagShack random so undertaking “10 Day Challenges” over 10 consecutive days isn’t really my thing. So, I’ve taken and adjusted, ’The Three Challenge’ and I’m posting it all today. Why? Because I can!
Three Things on Your Long-Term To-Do List
Run a marathon
Attend a Linda Hartley ‘Somatic Psychology’ workshop
Present a paper at the annual conference of The American Academy of Religion
Three of Your Favorite Foods
Lasagna
Chorizo
Cookie dough and ice-cream!
Three Things You Do Daily
Check Emails/Facebook/Twitter
Read
Shower
Three Things You Regret
Not going to see my Gran on her birthday because I was having lunch with a friend :’(
Making commitments I later had to break, just because I wanted to fit in
Never learning a second language
Three Things you Wish you Could Say to Someone Right Now
I’ve never stopped loving you
I’m sorry for the part I’ve played. Can we talk?
Thank you for being the person you are
Three of Your Favorite Movies
Sleepless in Seattle
Beaches
Finding Nemo
Three Songs You Could Put On Repeat Forever
9-5
Just the Way you Are
I’m Your Man
(For the record, I chose these based on what I’ve been singing in the shower recently!)
